Humor

Celebrity Update: What’s in Mom’s Purse?

Much like Gwyneth Paltrow, I am very concerned about my lifestyle. It’s a conscious decision to be both sentient and amazing. I spend a lot of time meditating on balancing my needs with the requirements others. Nah, screw others—I’m all about me, me, me these days.

Part of my new found self love includes way overspending for hair care. I’m talking full retail price, yo. Not surprisingly, it’s totally worth it. Sure I spend what amounts to a mid level car payment on my foil highlights, but I get real white wine in a plastic cup and a full 1/2 hour of uninterrupted US magazine time. With hardhitting featured columns like The Stars are Just Like US! and Who Wore it Best? my brain takes a beautiful vacation from the bullshit that is day-to-day child rearing. Still somehow, most of the magazine looks like pages of my life: There I am shopping at Whole Foods wearing a $350.00 hat! There I am standing on the red carpet in the same Manolo Blahnik shoes that SJP (that’s Sarah Jessica Parker to you) wore to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party!

My favorite snapshot into the life of the glamorous-yet-just-like-me is the What’s in My Purse? feature. My life is endlessly fascinating that’s why I know you’re all dying to know: what’s in my purse! Well, hang on for the ride because I just dumped it:

20140723-000224-144542.jpg

Oral Hygiene is very, very important to me so I always carry 10 year old dental floss and a tube of toothpaste with me everywhere I go. No toothbrush? No problem! I just use my finger.

Looking good on the go is hard for a busy gal like me but thankfully I’m ready with my hair tie and mismatched barettes.

I am constantly staying in fantastic locations like the Country Inn and Suites. I stay there so much (pro tip: they have a world class waffle iron) that they actually made me a Club Carlson Member. (check out the card under my Regal Crown Club Card). membership has its privledges!

It’s stressful being a mom so I keep a few emergency Xanax in my super secret magic mushroom. Ommmmmm….

I don’t mean to brag but I think I spy $10 in Kohl’s Cash!

My family went to the ultra chic Ohio State Fair last year and we were all wearing new sandals that my mom bought for us (Value City in Columbus, Ohio has the best sales!) but I was prepared for the new sandal drama with moleskin, bandaids, alcohol wipes, a small tube of neosporin, all kept in that understated freezer bag! Sure that trip was 10 months ago but like the Boy Scouts say: Be Prepared, Bitches!

That gorgeous mother of pearl bracelet was an impulse buy! I’m lovingly storing it in the bottom of my purse.

In this economy, everyone needs to know how they are spending their money. I keep my receipts carefully stored and secured by a posh pink post it! Pictured above are all of my receipts from May. Oops! I’d better throw those out before I figure out how much money I spend on drive through french fries. They’re my passion!

I always love a good book suggestion that I can totally ignore. I think I see no less than three in this pile.

Here’s a tip: always keep your tickets from parking in shopping mall garages because you can turn them into your employer once a quarter for reimbursement. Embezzlement is the new black!

Healthy snacking is really important. I see a cherry pit in there and a cherry stem! yummy!

It’s so important to expose your children to culture.There’s my program to the 37th annual Virginia Shakespeare Festival. I took my 17 year old son who loved the play so much, he slept through the whole second act.

I swear by Burt’s Bees Hand cream. I haven’t used this particular tin in years because it’s rusted shut.

I wonder if Gwyneth reads Us when she is at the salon? She probably only reads the classics like Vanity Fair or People In Style. I’ll never be as rich, beautiful or ambitious as her but when I’m blitzed on Xanax and boxed wine, it really doesn’t matter.

Previous post

Monsanto Shill Mom?

Next post

Guest Post: Family Tectonics and Daughtering

katiea

katiea

Katie Anderson is a freelance writer and improv theater instructor. Her work has appeared in Alt Daily , HuffPost Parents and Laughspin.com. Anderson has written comedy for Panties in a Twist: All Female Comedy and a weekly live stage show, Second City This Week in Los Angeles. She is currently working on a practical guide for parents and caregivers of autistic individuals to be published sometime in the next few years (get off her back, it's hard to write a book). Katie holds a BA in Psychology from The Ohio State University. She lives with her academic rock star husband, one of her three kids and two very spoiled cats in Virginia. Follow her on Twitter @ improvperson.

No Comment

Leave a reply