Humor

Truly Scary Costumes for Modern Kids

If you’re still scrambling for costume ideas, fret no more! This Halloween, your kid can be the spoOoOoOOOkiest kid on the block, with these unique, DIY costumes! I’ve done some digging, using mostly “natural” parenting blogs as inspiration, to come up with these truly scary costumes for children (or adults, if you can handle it). These costumes represent some of the scariest things about modern times and science. Your kid may not believe in monsters now, but they will truly know the face of evil once they gaze upon these outfits.

kid wearing a can of formula, with an evil frowny face on it

(Evil) Infant Formula

You just became a new parent–congrats! You’re planning on exclusively breastfeeding, right? Wait, you’re using FORMULA for whatever valid reason? WHY DO YOU HATE BABIES??

In fact, I heard that once, there was a genius baby, but her mom totally didn’t like breastfeeding and chose to feed her formula, and instead of being smart, SHE WAS DAMAGED FOREVER AND HER IQ NEVER RECOVERED!! Aaahhhh!!

This costume will scare: hardcore lactivists; mothers who never had breastfeeding issues and therefore judge others who need to use formula; people who are more concerned with breastfeeding than trying to give an infant the nutrition they need (if that nutrition happens to come from formula).

child dressed as GMO corn, with an evil frowny face

(Evil) GMO Corn

I was on Facebook the other day and I totally saw that picture. You know the one, where the squirrel ate all the organic corn but didn’t touch the GMO corn? That PROVES that GMOs are EEEEVIL and must not be trusted! If that’s not a valid argument against GMOs, then I don’t know what logical arguments and evidence-based reasoning are.

If you really want to scare people, dress up like this GMO corn. It looks like regular corn, but it’s evil, because someone in a science lab made the corn seeds with CHEMICALS and ARTIFICIALNESS. OOOoooOOOOooo!

In fact, you could go further and be a corn SUPERVILLIAN. And your origin story would be that one day, you ate some GMOs, and you gained super-powers. (Evil ones, of course.) Just like Spiderman except with corn-themed powers!

This costume will scare: anyone in favor of GMO-labeling; people who don’t understand science; anyone who says “Monsanto” in casual conversation.

vaccine

(Evil) Syringe full of (Evil) Vaccines

Regardless of what countless numbers of peer-reviewed, scientific articles have to say, it’s a proven fact that Vaccines Cause Autism. And I know this, because that one scientist published one study full of data (“bad data,” as “they” would have you believe) that has since been retracted and disproved. I spent literally days researching this and therefore have an expert opinion.

This costume will scare: “Natural Medicine” advocates; people who throw “chicken-pox parties”; people who don’t have an understanding of immunology and don’t trust scientific consensus; people who think that autism is the worst “disease” ever; people who put their kids on “delayed vaccine schedules” for no intelligible medical reason; well-educated, rich, white liberals who don’t have appropriate scientific degrees but who are “experts” on science.

evil doctor, holding an evil syringe, with evil good advice

(Evil) Non-Alternative Medicine Doctors (a.k.a. Doctors with Legit Medical Degrees)

If medical doctors are so smart, how come they can’t align my Chakra or tell me my astrological profile? How come my chiropractor can cure disease without using any Scary Vaccines?

One time, I got the flu, and I went to a doctor and I didn’t immediately feel better. But then I ate a ton of oranges, went to my acupuncturist, and took my homeopathic pills, and a week later I TOTALLY felt better. Weird! Some would call that a “coincidence,” but it’s a little too coincidental that my flu went away after all of those things I did.

How come alternative practitioners always know what’s wrong with me, whereas my doctor doesn’t? I guess medical school just can’t teach you everything.

This costume will scare: homeopaths; naturopaths; “natural cure” peddlers and charlatans; people who would rather take unregulated supplements than visit a doctor; people who think that “same as placebo” is evidence in favor of alternative treatments.

child wearing a pumpkin spice latte costume, with an evil frowny face

(Evil) Pumpkin-less Spice Latte

I was reading my favorite blog, Food Babe, the other day, and I was informed that NOT ONLY does Starbucks PSL not contain real, 100% organic, non-GMO pumpkin, but in fact it’s full of chemicals!! Proven fact: all chemicals cause cancer in rats. (I heard from a scientist that water is made up of two highly explosive chemicals. Also, the PSL contains water, and I know for a fact that water is used in the manufacturing of chemicals, so WATCH OUT.)

Did you know that the PSL also contains a lot of sugar? That would explain that “sweet” taste. I honestly had no idea how much sugar was in a PSL—and once I found out, I immediately got diabetes.

This costume will scare: Food Babe; people who say the word “toxins” a lot and they aren’t toxicologists; people whose understanding of science is limited to Facebook memes.

child wearing a giant star, which says "good try" but also has an evil frowny face

(Evil) Participation Award

Recently, I’ve heard a lot about how “participation trophies” are the downfall of society. Coddled Millennials and Generation Y kids are being praised for participating in events that they didn’t necessarily do the best at! Oh noooo!!

There are many things that are hurting the current generation of young people. Like the killer job market for entry-level employees, or the crushing amount of student loan debt that Millennials and future generations are stuck with, or the fact that first-time homebuyers are having a hard time buying a house without already having a lot of money. But forget all of that other stuff—PARTICIPATION TROPHIES are truly the worst thing ever. Acknowledging someone for giving an honest effort, even when they didn’t win, is HORRIBLE AND NOT LIKE REALITY AT ALL.

So if you really want to scare someone, dress like a Participation Trophy and say things like “nice job!” or “you tried!” and give them compliments even though they’ve done NOTHING GOOD EVER, because winners are the only ones who matter.

This costume will scare: People who say things like “kids these days”; people who are overly-concerned about trivial matters.

***

All images made by me

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Mary

Mary

Mary Brock works as an Immunology scientist by day and takes care of a pink-loving princess child by night. She likes cloudy days, crafting, cooking, and Fall weather in New England.

13 Comments

  1. October 16, 2014 at 8:13 pm —

    Mary, I love this. Had me laughing from the beginning to the end.

    • October 16, 2014 at 8:18 pm —

      Thank you! I enjoyed rediscovering Microsoft Paint as an art medium 🙂

  2. October 16, 2014 at 9:57 pm —

    hahahaha I may have just peed myself a little. Must be all of the gmos I eat.

  3. October 16, 2014 at 11:17 pm —

    The last one is my favorite. BWAHAHA! Here’s your trophy for SHOWING UP! EEEEE-EE -EEE!

  4. October 16, 2014 at 11:22 pm —

    Paint is the only thing I know how to use, and it never fails me. I really hope this inspired a few PSL, formula, syringe, or GMO corn outfits. Try explaining that trick-or-treating in the suburbs!

  5. October 17, 2014 at 10:31 am —

    I’ve been lurking on this site for a very long time but this post is the first one that inspired me enough to actually create an account and comment. Here’s what I find hilarious, I was planning on dressing my 16 month old daughter as a doctor for Halloween because… um it’s cute? and easy (pretty much like her regular clothes)? I never really thought of it as a statement or a “scary” costume. Framed this way, I am super extra excited to dress her up like that. Rock on!

  6. October 17, 2014 at 11:35 am —

    It’s the Muh-wa-ha-ha on the coffe mug that gets me.

  7. October 17, 2014 at 3:44 pm —

    The Ultra Science Closeup is my favorite.

  8. October 24, 2014 at 2:57 pm —

    I have an idea for one but I’m not sure what a gluten would look like.

  9. October 25, 2014 at 2:06 pm —

    On Skepchick, I keep reading the title of this post as “Truly Scary Costumes for Post Modern Kids” instead of “Cross-Post: Truly Scary Costumes for Modern Kids”.

    I’m scared.

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