Ten Stupid Bullshit Things I’d Like To Leave Behind in 2013

I have no resolutions this year. Because I am doing me. Accepting that my ass resembles a pillow pet. Investing in spanx.

I do, however, have a few great fantasies for 2014.

I fantasize that my pediatrician will take back her advice to treat my daughter’s cold with homeopathy. Gah — what’s worse? That she’s my pediatrician or that that’s my fantasy?

Hey, it’s only my third post. You want me to go straight to some sort of unicorn pet play shit? Also, don’t judge. Her office is really conveniently located and there’s never any wait time (hmm…).

photo by flickr user Anley Piers
photo by flickr user Anley Piers

But wait, there’s more! Okay, ten, actually. Here are the top ten crackpot pseudoscientific bullshit STUPID THINGS I fantasize about leaving behind in 2013 (see ya, suckers!):

1. Homeopathy. That shit is at Trader Joe’s now! Hey Trader Joe’s, you sell shelf stable whipping cream so I know you know what science is!!

2. Dr. Oz. The worst of Oprah’s favorite things. His own children are not vaccinated!

3. Grain brain. You know Hitler ate gluten, right?

4. Super foods. I kind of like you un-super anyway.

5. Jenny McCarthy And if MTV ever even thinks about rebooting Singled Out…Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll totally be watching. #ClosetHillsFanToo #VintageMTV

photo by flickr user pcsm
photo by flickr user pcsm

6. Cleanses, toxins and poo. (Kinda just wanted to say poo)

7. Apple cider cures cancer Hey, apple cider. You don’t need to cure cancer! You had me at pickling.

8. Natural news Friends don’t let friends share links from Natural News.

9. Flu shots gave me the flu! Yeah, no. It did not.

10. Your weird cave man fetish. What they ate. How they screwed. Let’s spend that energy on something more important. Like bringing Rome back to HBO. (Winter is coming and I never cared. YEAH, I SAID IT.)

What pseudoscience bullshit would you like to see left behind? Goji berries? Gut sealing? Raw milk?

Featured image: flickr user Olga Pavlosky



Jenny Splitter

Jenny Splitter is a writer, storyteller and over-scheduled mom of two living in Washington, DC. She spends her glamorous days trying to write whatever she can, counting 1-2-3 in a slow yet threatening manner to her children, playing with gluten and working to eradicate dog hair from the planet (or at least her home). Find her on Twitter , Google+ and Facebook

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  1. -(high functioning/atypical) Autism and AD(H)D aren’t real/overdiagnosed. What your child needs instead is *insert bullshit disciplinary method here*
    -Together with having them diagnosed/treated for such conditions being on the same level as renting them to an Industrialization Era cotton mill
    -“They will get siuck if their feet get cold”

  2. Mayim Bialik. You know I was so happy to learn that she had a doctorate in neuroscience… then I found out that she was anti vax and believes in homeopathy. (And apparently she is the spokesperson for holistic parenting). She will do far more damage than Jenny McCarthy because of her doctorate, the fact that she is on a very popular TV show, and she is religious.

  3. -(high functioning/atypical) Autism and AD(H)D aren’t real/overdiagnosed. What your child needs instead is *insert bullshit disciplinary method here*. <<<<<This yes please let this go away. It is so maddening to get such "well meaning" advice or the whole "in my day sonny kids just weren't so entitled and we beat them black and blue for doing *insert behavior*. If one more person tells me to spank my child I'm going to smack them and smack them until they feel less entitled to give nonsensical advice.

    1. Yes, and the flip-side is people who see the kid once in a while going on about how she’s “just normal, why are you making a fuss do you have Münchhausen by proxy syndrome?”.
      One day I should write more cohesively about this. Would people here be interested in publishing it?

  4. I think that more people are willing to dismiss Jenny McCarthy as just a washed up porn star not to be taken seriously. Yeah she has a following, but some of the more religious “holistic” parents might not want to associate with her. However, with Mayim, now anti vaxxers can say “look Blossom doesn’t vaccinate her kids and she has a PHD in neuroscience! See look and educated person thinks that vaccines are harmful!” I think people will latch on to doctorate and neuroscience with her and assume that she is now an authority on anything. Considering how popular the Big Bang Theory is, I can’t see this ending well. I see a lot of crunchy moms recommending her book.

    I used to love the Big Bang Theory, but once I heard about her views, I just can’t watch it anymore. I kind of want to but then I start seeing red when I think of her on the show.

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