Jillian Michaels Wants to Kill Me

Today I began a Program of Health and Nutrition.  I carefully planned out my meals and then wrote them down, complete with estimates of calories. I came home from work and completed a workout video. The workout video, Jillian Michael’s The 30-Day Shed, was a high-paced, high-impact routine. To begin with, you needed to choose Level 1, Level 2, or Level 3. Apparently, this video was made for the slow crowd, because they seriously went over what 1, 2 and 3 meant – over and over. My “I AM GOING TO WORK MY BODY YAY LET’S DO IT” vibe was fading, so I bounced on my toes while this difficult concept was explained over and over. Finally, Jillian Michaels came walking out, with two slim, toned women  in tow. She made a big point to show herself laughing and joking with the two women. Then, she came up to the camera and introduced herself and her “two best friends”. She went to introduce them, and couldn’t recall their names. She recovered quickly, and so we were all acquainted. There was Jillian The Boss, Hot Toned Black Girl, Hot Toned White Girl, and me – Consumer With A Fat Ass.

Jillian explained to us, in a very stiff tone, that she had a tried-and-true method of losing weight. We weren’t to stop! Don’t stop, people! There’s no time to stop. Then she informed me that I would need a mat if I was exercising on a bare floor. I smiled down at my hideous carpet with huge roses all over it. I patted myself on the back for being an intuitive workout connoisseur. Then she said that I needed two hand-held weights. I desperately looked around for something heavy. I felt like it was my first day of college when everyone had the textbook but me! I ran for the kitchen and grabbed two cans – noting, as I ran back, that there was one can of corn and one can of green beans, and contemplating succotash – and set them next to the t.v. I was ready.

Her workout was made up of cardio, strength conditioning, and… something else. Oh, like crunches and stuff. I forget what she called them. I called them “The Fifth Level of Hell”. She had some number system – 5 minutes here, 2 minutes there – I don’t know. Some cheesy, canned dance music came on, and the three women began the workout. Hot Toned White Girl did the modified version of the exercises, for the old/infirm/morbidly obese, while Hot Toned Black Girl did the really, REALLY overdone version for the Hot Toned Folks among us. The exercises were fine. I may have slacked off a bit at the jumping jacks. I liked the part where we got to punch an imaginary person – I pretended that I was punching John Kasich – and I stretched muscles that I haven’t stretched in a while, and that Kaysie (my massage person) will be dealing with during my next session. But Jillian Michael’s voice… god, it killed me. If I had been a contestant on The Biggest Loser, I would have eaten an extra cheesecake a day, just to get away from her voice. “Come. On. Work. Out. DON’TGIVEUPNOWWWWW!!!!” The DVD went by quickly, because the whole time, I was making fun of Jillian Michaels in my head.

The Toned Girls were badass at that routine, I have to say. They were grinning it up and never broke a sweat. At one point, Jillian Michaels commented that it was okay to be tired, that they were sure tired too – isn’t that right, Hot Toned White Girl? HTWG nodded, her eyes wide, and grinned, the fucking liar, bending those knees up nice and high. And, speaking of putting the knees up high, there was a total Lesbian Moment in the video, too. Jillian Michaels went up to where Hot Toned White Girl was lying on her back, doing crunches, and Jillian Michaels ran her fingers up and down HTWG’s stomach and was like “oh, that’s nice… oh, so toned… better than mine… oh, that’s hot!” and I thought that maybe I had ordered Jillian Michael’s The 30 Day Shag instead and I was really okay with that, but then Jillian Michaels stood up and started working again, and I realized that I preferred a homoerotic moment to actually continuing the workout, so either I’m bisexual or I’m fat and lazy. Anyway, I forced myself to keep going.

At the end of the video, we got to do stretches and calm down, and that was actually kind of nice. I pulled some muscle in my inner thigh that made me realize that I need to have kinkier sex (for the sake of my new workout routine). And, all in all, it was a nice little workout and I will obviously be toned and hot in 30 days – or I’m getting my money back. All $8 of it.

Image from flickr by weskriesel

Tori Parker

Tori is a high school English teacher from Ohio (insert cheerleader kick here)! She is emphatic! She is skeptical! She is nifty! Her boyfriend says that they can get a potbellied pig someday and name him Bacon. She has a little boy whose pseudonym is SC, although he has recently asked that his name be changed to Henry. When asked for a comment to add on this bio, he asked, "Why do we sound like a bad '70's cop show?" So there's that.

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