Ages 10-12 (Tween)Ages 13-17 (Teen)HumorParenting Fails

Middle School Is Coming and I Am Freaking the Fuck Out

Next year I will have a kid in middle school. I’m entering a whole new stage of parenthood and I am freaking the fuck out.

All the most terrifying things are looming — drugs, porn, drinking, driving and sex — and they could all hit at once like a hurricane. Like tomorrow a drunk porn star might show up in a Prius peddling expired condoms and hallucinogens and I will be left standing there, yelling Wait! We didn’t get a chance to have the talk yet! Any of the talks! The Prius battery is really terrible for the environment!

The most unsettling part is that I don’t know what kind of mom I’m going to be in this phase. The kind of mom who heads up the dance decorating committee? Or maybe the hip mom who buys her kid pot? Or is that more like hipster helicoptering? Because he should really be learning those buyer beware type decisions on his own, right?

photo via flickr user Ashley Webb
photo via flickr user Ashley Webb

It feels like starting over and I don’t want to start over. Like all of my certainty about sleep training (love!) and homemade pop tarts (nope!) have suddenly been rendered meaningless. Like there was never a point anyway because what kid says, Man, am I ever glad that my mom prioritized sleep! I suppose most kids aren’t contemplating the origins of their pop tarts either.

I need the new manual. I need to figure out the new rules. Right now all I have is an endless stream of questions and no answers.

image via flickr user N. Lee the Adequate
image via flickr user N. Lee the Adequate

Like when will he start hating me? Because I’m not ready for that. It’s so much harder for moms of boys because we have to steer clear of any bonding activity that might inspire an awkward comparison to Lucille and Buster. I guess it’s not too late to start playing Minecraft.


Lucille and Buster

Here’s what I want to know — does everyone else just have their shit together or are they faking it? Is everyone panicked or is it just me raiding the Xanax bottle late at night? How do you know if a decision to foster independence isn’t just irresponsible parenting? Or if all those safety precautions are in fact hampering your kid’s innovation? All the questions! None of the answers.

If you also have a kid entering middle school for the first time and you’re feeling good about this upcoming apocalypse…well…that is just lovely. And by lovely I kind of mean GO FUCK YOURSELF. Because I am freaking the fuck out and I would prefer not to be interrupted.

Jenny Splitter

Jenny Splitter is a writer, storyteller and over-scheduled mom of two living in Washington, DC. She spends her glamorous days trying to write whatever she can, counting 1-2-3 in a slow yet threatening manner to her children, playing with gluten and working to eradicate dog hair from the planet (or at least her home). Find her on Twitter , Google+ and Facebook

Related Articles


  1. I’m freaking out about this now and my Pluisje isn’t even 2 yet.

    My mom told me my brothers were still plenty interested in bonding experiences and stuff like hugging, but asked her not to tell anyone else :D. So she didn’t, until she told me after my kid was born.

Leave a Reply