Why I Think the Food Allergy Parent Who Ruined Halloween Is Probably a Hoax

Last week, the internet exploded in outrage over a Connecticut parent demanding that people pass out Necco wafers and carrots to keep her food allergic child safe and included on Halloween.

Holy Peanot Butter, I have never seen so many happy haters. 

Every stereotype about pain in the ass food allergy parents was just proven true. We’re all just self-centered, over-protective, over-reaching helicopter parents who want to make the world risk-free for our special little snowflakes. 

And yet, of all the food allergy parents that I’ve ever encountered, I’ve never met anyone like that.

I mean, it’s just so much easier to buy nut-free chocolates and swap out the candy after trick-or-treating. Why bother with the drama? Not to mention all that stapling.

I haven’t experienced a deluge of ultra-demanding food allergy parents but let me tell you what I do see — what I can always count on — every discussion of food allergies will always include some variation of this joke from Louis CK that kids with life-threatening food allergies are supposed to die.

Hey, if you’re supposed to die, you’re supposed to die, right? May as well just accept it. Vaccines? Who needs them. Antibiotics? Cancer treatment? Glasses? Anti-depressants? Why wash your hands? If your immune system is so weak that you can’t handle a little food poisoning, we should probably just shoot you dead in the street and get it over with, right? 

I find it very strange that the parent who penned these posters has gone radio silent. Perhaps she’s just embarrassed in light of this whole national shaming. But you’d think someone so militant about her child’s needs would want to respond. That is, if this person is actually real. And I don’t think she’s real.

There is so much hatred for kids and people with food allergies that I can’t imagine the parent who would risk directing all that hatred onto her own child. It makes no sense. I mean, Necco wafers? Like that would go over well. 

So maybe it’s a hoax? Or maybe it’s not. You know, I don’t even care.

I’m sorry for whatever suffering you haters have clearly experienced at the hands of roving bands of helicopter parents, but it’s time to find a new target. Try car seat nazis. Or the people who write that Paleo Parents blog. Whatever. Just let it go.