I have no resolutions this year. Because I am doing me. Accepting that my ass resembles a pillow pet. Investing in spanx.
I do, however, have a few great fantasies for 2014.
I fantasize that my pediatrician will take back her advice to treat my daughter’s cold with homeopathy. Gah — what’s worse? That she’s my pediatrician or that that’s my fantasy?
Hey, it’s only my third post. You want me to go straight to some sort of unicorn pet play shit? Also, don’t judge. Her office is really conveniently located and there’s never any wait time (hmm…).
But wait, there’s more! Okay, ten, actually. Here are the top ten crackpot pseudoscientific bullshit STUPID THINGS I fantasize about leaving behind in 2013 (see ya, suckers!):
1. Homeopathy. That shit is at Trader Joe’s now! Hey Trader Joe’s, you sell shelf stable whipping cream so I know you know what science is!!
2. Dr. Oz. The worst of Oprah’s favorite things. His own children are not vaccinated!
3. Grain brain. You know Hitler ate gluten, right?
4. Super foods. I kind of like you un-super anyway.
5. Jenny McCarthy And if MTV ever even thinks about rebooting Singled Out…Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll totally be watching. #ClosetHillsFanToo #VintageMTV
6. Cleanses, toxins and poo. (Kinda just wanted to say poo)
7. Apple cider cures cancer Hey, apple cider. You don’t need to cure cancer! You had me at pickling.
8. Natural news Friends don’t let friends share links from Natural News.
9. Flu shots gave me the flu! Yeah, no. It did not.
10. Your weird cave man fetish. What they ate. How they screwed. Let’s spend that energy on something more important. Like bringing Rome back to HBO. (Winter is coming and I never cared. YEAH, I SAID IT.)
What pseudoscience bullshit would you like to see left behind? Goji berries? Gut sealing? Raw milk?
Featured image: flickr user Olga Pavlosky